Robbie Williams Probably Not Moving to Mid Cornwall

I was in the COOP today and I saw a crowd around one of the newspaper podiums. They were not reading headlines about the racist (or not) saga unfolding on Channel 4 but rather, they were reading the headline on this weeks’ St Austell Voice. The headline is reproduced here for your consideration:

This is how my thought process went:

Thinks: “What’s this!!!? … a picture of Robbie standing… where is that? Hummm… ahhh its Chapel Point, just down the road by Portmellon. Wait a minute, what’s that sub headline?”

“Superstar Robbie set to entertain us from his Meva address”.

Thinks:"Ok.. so… that seems pretty clear. Robbie Williams is moving to mid Cornwall. Fan-flippin-tastic. That is so cool. Its like, we will probably end up mates. I bet he will drink down the Wezzer. Ace!”

Coulda, shoula, woulda

This excitement wasn’t too long lived, alas. For as I read on I found some tiny clues in the text that seemed to suggest all was not as certain as initially I had thought. The bold statement of the sub-headline was undermined a tad by the use of “could be”, as in:

“Robbie Williams could be about to bring….”

Another thing that made me think the headlines were bigger than the belly of the article was that all of the story’s sources were “an insider” or “one local woman”. All in all, the evidence was on the non-existent side of scant.

The Investigation

So… with my new-found local blogger enthusiasm I decided to investigate, Scoobie Doo style. First, I rang around the pubs in Meva. I think I got them all. Nobody there believed it was the case, and many cited inconsistencies with the St Austell Voice’s story, for example that the land was owned by a local scrap merchant, not a merchant banker - as the Voice article claims.

Then I rang round anyone I know who might know. Estate agents, local snitches who operate in the grey area between truth and justice (I made that bit up) and even the farmer who owns the land leading up to the point. Nada. Nada. Not a sausage. Not one little shred of evidence to suggest the Robmesiter was leaving the city of angels and heading to pasty town.

The Nonsmoking Gun

But I wanted more. I had the journalistic bit between my teeth and I wasn’t letting go. I rang up Robbie’s PR agency in London, “Taylor Herring”. The first person I spoke to hadn’t heard of Mevagissey!!! I played it cool and made out that it didn’t matter and moved on up the ladder of command, getting closer and closer with each call to the man who was the heart of my investigation.

I ended up as close as I could go, speaking to his very friendly PR agent who I schmoozed with my yokel charms. I asked her if there was any truth in the article. I will state her reply verbatim.

“We have absolutely no reason to believe this and as far as we are concerned he is staying in LA for the foreseeable future”

Robbie probably isn’t coming. There is no evidence to suggest he is, and a fair bit to suggest he isn’t. Wipe away your tears. He could have been the pop Moses that led us through the regeneration, but he probably isn't coming.

Midcornwall.com will give one years’ free subscription to the St Austell Voice newspaper to anyone who can give us conclusive proof that any member of a boy band is moving down to Mid Cornwall. Contact us at the above email address. Please note: we will not able to award this great prize to information about Andrew Ridgley living down here.