Cornish DVDs rejected by Pirates

On the internet it is possible to illegally download or "pirate" any video or DVD ever made simply by visiting sites such as Piratebay.org or shareaza.com. From next summer’s blockbusters to obscure soviet era agricultural propaganda videos, no problemo. Need that Hidi epic? The one re-dubbed in Urdu that all your friends are raging about, not an issue. The internet will provide. Unless, that is, you want to pirate Cornish DVDs.

Our midcornwall.com researchers, who are very against piracy, decided to investigate this conspiracy and found that, no matter where you go online, including the freenet and metanet or any of the innumerable P2P networks, the Cornish video stock is censored to the point of totality. (We did find a copy of Blue Juice, but it turned out to be a bad cam copy).

Jethro, speaking from his home in Devon.

A number of local celebrities are starting to pick up arms against the internet pirates, many of whom come from places that are not Cornwall. Top Cornish Comedian and BNP founder Jethro has complained to the internet pirates on his website citing it as "unfair" that they wont pirate his works. He states: “’ere you *^$%*~% foreign &^%, was wrong wiv me *%^%ing DVDs hey? Proper job!”

Check back for further updates on this story.

Boscastle Water World and Adventure Park

The 2004 flood damaged village of Boscastle is to get a boost to its moral with the announcement that building will start on a new water park in 2007. “Boscastle Water World and Adventure Park” is touted as being “Europe’s most picturesque water park” and as well as utilising many breakthroughs in water slide design, it will also feature Jacuzzis and a “water bar”. The project is being funded entirely by money left over from the Rebuild Boscastle charity fund.

“The sadness on the town has been quite prominent since the flood,” said the Mayor of Boscastle, Dave Jolene. “We have now rebuilt the village and have about fifteen million left over from the fund raising. The committee decided that a water park would be better for the village than the other suggestions like a new Church or a TK Max.”

Most locals are delighted with the new venture and are already planning which slides to go on first. Sales of bikinis and swimming trunks from the local shop have increased five fold since the decision was made.

Even with the excitement that is the buzz of the village there is always the memory of that dreadful day in August 2004 and most villagers are sure they will never forget. "It was exactly like the Asian tsunami, only coming from inland .Luckily, no one died in ours." Said three times Boscastle May Queen, Francine Fremula, 86.

The water park is revolutionary in its design, forgoing the regular structural girders and plinth method and instead using the natural profile of the valley which is described as being “absolutely ideal” for a water slide.

But its not all good news, there are a small number of residents opposed to the Boscastle Water World and Adventure Park due to concerns over the veruca epidemics that have plagued other villages with water parks; the Normandy village of Merci du Mere was totally destroyed by a veruca epidemic in the mid sixties, for example.

Even with the small number of local objectors, the momentum for the park is now in full effect with an opening date of June 1st 2007. Cornish legend John Nettles has agreed to the honor of opening the slide. Speaking from his home in Bugle, Nettles told midcornwall.com "I once went on a water slide while filming a Christmas special of Bergerac in the Algarve. It was great. Though I still think I prefer going to the Monkey Sanctuary near Looe."

Newsflash: Cornish Lesbians Could Drown

A renowned Cornish scientists yesterday issued a warning that if global warming persists and sea levels rise lesbians throughout the country could drown. Speaking on BBC Radio Cornwall’s Lesbian County show, Professor Brian Shermish, stated:

“It isn’t looking good. A 10% rise in sea levels around the county could be catastrophic for the Cornish Lesbian population. Especially if it happened very quickly and in the summer when many lesbians are known to frequent beaches and/or estuaries.”

This morning, in a phone interview, Bridget Faulkner, the spokeswoman for Cornish Lesbians Against Drowning informed midcornwall.com that they are adopting a county-wide free swimming lesson program for all lesbians. “Some lesbians are naturally good swimmers, others are not. Its up to CLAD to make sure that those who are not are kept well away from coastal regions just in case,” she said.

A CLAD protest.

Before St Austell’s face Lift, lets all have a face lift.

As a proud St Austell resident I am as despondent as the next regarding the status, current – and future – of our town center. What was once a drab and dismal excuse for a municipal core has now descended into a monstrous excuse for a bomb site. We all know this, and we all know that until the council, the cinema fetishists and Tescos sort out their act, this is the way it will stay.

However, just because our town is in such a sorry state does it really mean that the residents have to follow suit. Please, I implore you, my fellow Snozzelians, do try to make an effort with your appearance.

Go to Truro, London or New York and you will notice that the citizens of these places spend some time on their appearance. Women might use conditioner, men might wear something other than track suit bottoms that have gone all “bubbly”. Many shops in the town center sell clothes and products aimed specifically at making people look and feel better. A dash of lipstick. A smattering of gel. The radiance of a well shaved face.

I don’t expect Fore Street to become a cat-walk but wouldn’t it be nice if we could all muck in and try to brighten up each others days by not looking like escapees from a dress-down boot camp.

The next couple of years could be our towns darkest hours, lets not let them grind us down. All it takes is a little zing.

C K Chesterton

Moreland Road

St Austell

(This was originally published as a letter in the Cornish Guardian in July 2004)