Cornwall Factoids: Truro Cathedral

• One of these factoids is wrong.
• Buy one Cathedral and get a Free Church! Truro Cathedral is built on the site of the 16th century St Mary's Church. But rather than demolish it, they included it in the design and it can be seen - both outside and in. It's the only cathedral in the country like this. Nifty!
• Amazing! - Truro Cathedral's pillars are made of Bath Stone which, as everyone knows, in 1980 cost £8 per cubic foot! Pricey!
• A Stain in the Glass - In the days before GOD TV people used to have to watch God in church windows. Without screensavers, many of these images have been "burnt"or "stained" onto the glass. Truro has the Biggest Stained Glass of anywhere in the world!
• Avant Guard, kinda -It was the first Cathedral to be built in England in hundreds of years - how many years depends on who you listen to. For example, Answers.com says 600 years. CornwallGuide says 800 years etc
  
• No Way! Truro Was a city before the cathedral was built. Yes way!
  
• Copy Cat - Much like Nine Inch Nails recently releasing music direct to bittorent, Truro Cathedral is a part of a Gothic Revival.
• Numerological Mystery - The combined height of the three spires is 198 meters. In feet this is 649.606 feet. It doesn't take a maths teacher to see that 649.606 is only a 49 and a .0 away from the number of the beast! Omen Oh Man!
  

Postscript, 3 days after posting: I have just been inside the cathedral for the first time in over a decade. You forget what a wonderful structure and place it is.

Wave goodbye to green surfers.

Now only does Cornwall have the biggest Biome farm we now are going to have the biggest wave farm. Wave hub, which will cost 21 million squiod, will be built of St Ives and will supply energy, powered by waves, to some homes and other places.





But Surfers are not happy and, after defeating sewage, they are probably now going to start on wave farms:





Cornwall's surfers up in arms at plans to harvest wave energy - Independent Online Edition

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Investigating The Strawbridges Part Seven: The Problem with Dick

For reasons of cross pollination and weird Internet feng shui stuff I don't understand, Part 6 of Investigating The Strawbridges is published on The Truro Blog. Its not as lighthearted as the rest of the series.

Investigating The Strawbridges Part Seven: The Problem with Dick on The Truro Blog

Investigating The Strawbridges Part Six: James -The Sins of the Son

Student James Strawbridge takes after his father in many ways. He studies Marine History at the University of East Anglia, and is described by his fellows as “a great bloke” and “greener than algae”.

He writes poetry. Most of his oeuvre is highly personal, appearing to arise from the Lacanian mirror phase of his development, in post-structural psychoanalytic terms, of course. He explores the interstices between the ego and the ego-ideal with sensitivity and panache, clearly influenced in this sense by Coleridge’s opium induced self explorations. James Strawbridge’s free verse, unbound from the shackles of the traditional stanza, swoops and flies in a manner resonant of the Ted Hughes’ early work; while the elasticity of the metre is comparable to the great metaphysical poets of the seventeenth century.

Since his family has moved back to Cornwall James’ poetry has taken on a more environmental flavor. Bold pieces that challenge and alert within the same well wrought couplets. For a man in his early twenties it is mature and very well considered verse. The following Poem from the UEA Union Poetry magazine captures his muse beautifully:

But like his father, there is a hidden darkness.

James has an addiction, kept secret from his parents. An addiction with one of the worst environmental payloads of any. James steals on average five traffic cones a week from the streets of Norwich. These he takes back to his “digs” where he and his mates laugh at their ever growing hoard. Perhaps we could look at this tomfoolery and give a knowing shrug; “students, eh? Crazy.” But a man must be judged on how his actions shadow his words, and I am afraid in this case, we cannot brush over this so easily.

To make one Traffic cone produces three tones of CO2. To deploy a traffic cone on an urban UK road junction releases another half a ton of Carbon. To replace a stolen cone on a UK road means anther half ton of CO2. All in all, that’s 4 tons of carbon for every pilfered traffic calming device.

It doesn’t take a brain doctor to work out that since, on last count, he had stolen 124 cones, James “Greener Than Algae” Strawbridge has a carbon footprint bigger than a family of yetis. Yes James; “We must take care of our home”.

Tribute is a Winner - Because beer isn't just for drinking

Congratulations to The St Austell Brewery, their Tribute bitter has won the South West's most prestigious prize, for beer. Tribute is my favorite bitter, but its not a beer to get drunk on as it leaves a residual sluggishness on the corners of one's evening. Unlike premium expert/export larger such as Stella or Kroni which imbues one with an energy and clarity of drunkenness not available to bitter drinkers. I have more to say on beer here.

Well done Tribute. We Salute You

Investigating The Strawbridges Part Five: Straining Dick’s Greens

When they make a TV show they film much more footage than they use in the show, and Scrap Heap Challenge is no different. If you have the contacts you can get access to this “backroom” and “greenroom” footage. I got this access and from the digital cutting room floor from the 2003 Series I found the Rosetta stone; an informal off (but on) camera chat between Lisa “3-2-1” Rodgers and Dick Strawbridge. We have transcribed the pertinent aspects or you can watch the entire footage on YouTube:

Watch Footage on YouTube

LR: So, what will you do if you leave the show?

DS: Ah divvent knaa. Mebeez I’ll get mesel’ some kind o’ show like that gadgie from Eastenders, like. Ye knaa, deein’ gangs or summick, like. With me military trainin an’ that, Ah should be canny good for it, like.

LR: Yeah, not a bad idea. He gets a packet for that show, and all the travel as well.

DS: Aye, pet, travellin’s always a bonus, like. Aah’ve been aall ower, me: Aisa, America, even New Zealand, like.

LR: I saw a show on Five where they filmed recruits for the SAS or something…he looked really hard.

DS: Whey aye, pet. Ye have to be hard and tough, like. Aah didn’t knaa there was already a show like that, mind. Bit of a shitta yes’ve dropped on us.

LR: It’s hard to find new formats, Dick. That’s the game, innit. And even when you have a new format, you’ve got the uphill slog of persuading people to make it.

DS: Aye, yer not wrang there, pet.

LR: I’ll tell you what’s getting a lot of interest at the moment. Shows about the environment, sustainability and stuff.

DS: Aboot what, pet?

LR: Environmental issues.

DS: Aye aye, Aah knaa. Whales and dolphins and aall that shite like?

LR: Well yeah, kind of I guess.

8DS: Champion! Cheers for the tip, bonny lass! Aah’ll be havin’ some o’ that mesell. Belter!

LR: Gotta go Dick, Richard just texted.

DS: Aye, nee sweat. Had on though: is it reet there’s an aald diff forra jeep in the tip, like?

LR: Dicky, if there was one in Pile F you know I wouldn’t tell you….

And there it is: irrefutable evidence of the moment Dick became green, caught forever, without question. It’s not easy being green, but it’s a lot harder befriending the gangs of Sao Paulo and being treated as kin and kindred while the bullets and the screams of the dying fill the air.

Investigating The Strawbridges Part Four: "Scrap Heap Challenger Disaster"

After failing to qualify for Robot Wars, Dick and his crew rebranded as “Brothers in Arms” and became the lead team in the 1990s most exciting new format show, Scrap Heap Challenge. The idea was simple: steal scrap from itinerant tinkers and from that scrap make a either hovercraft or a dune buggy. The Brothers in Arms won every show in the English series and went on to be world champions six years in a row (most SHC aficionados agree that their loss to “Grao de Bico Garbanzos” in the 2001 Portuguese series was a fix).

Dicktor Ludorum

Whether casually flaunting the three-thousand degree centigrade nozzle of an oxyacetylene torch inches from his moustache (that he originally grew in an Argentinian POW camp), or commanding his troupe with his now famous catchphrase (“stick with Dick!”), we watched him and we loved him. His avuncular, personable and captivating screen presence opened doors not normally open for a boy from Lamorna. At the height of his Scrap Heap Challenge fame his face was everywhere – even beating Chris Evans to Radio One’s Man of The Year in 2001.

All is impermanent.

In 2003 disaster struck.

It was the penultimate episode of the series and, after finding thirty square meters of fifteen mill’ latex, The Brothers obviously went for the hovercraft. Second in command Clammy was gluing the latex skirt to the chassis when he was overwhelmed by the fumes of the latex cement. Within half an hour Clammy was turned into a vegetable and to this day is unable do anything, at all. The enquiry found no fault with anyone: Clammy, an experienced engineer, should have known better. But the vegitabalisation of a team mate took a big toll on the team, especially the captain. He would never make another hovercraft or dune buggy again.

With the Glory Days of SHC over, Dick was in a career wilderness. Radio, porn and “Songs of Praise” were all options but none held the purpose and celebrity Dick needed to survive. To thrive.

At the time he was in hell, but looking back, leaving Scrap heap Challenge was D-Day for Dick. The line in the sand. The recycling rubicon. It was the narrow penumbra between likable TV personality and the more sinister side of hate. In the next part of this series we will see the first evidence of what is to come. We will see the sapling grow after a remarkable chat with a famous TV personality (including video footage evidence) and all will be clear... even the darkness.

Investigating The Strawbridges Part Five: Straining Dick’s Greens, will be published shortly.

Investigating The Strawbridges Part Three: “Brothers In Arms, or Devil In Disguise?”

As a teenager, two paths became obvious for the ambitious young Cornishman: the military and music.

At sixteen Dick chose the former. He joined the army and excelled as he rose through the ranks, serving in Oman, The Falklands, Belize and Desert Storm, eventually making Lieutenant Colonel. His time in the forces is hard to investigate but what is evident is that he was a very well respected soldier; his army nickname was "Strawbridge Over Troubled Water". Everyone I interviewed agreed that Dick was a bastion of support and leadership as well as….when needs must…a rampant killing machine. Andy McNab described him as “terrifying in battle”.

Lt.Col. Strawbridge and DRD Alpha Nine (Desert Rapid Deployment), 1991, Falafel, Iraq

His career and background, apart from the extinction of the British Albatross, could not prima facia be any more rosy. He has been an exemplary soldier, citizen, husband and father. As I researched him I started to feel that there was nothing to write about. He was exactly as it said on the tin. But then, as I got closer to the present day and his involvement in TV and radio, I started to see cracks in the veneer of perfection. Cracks that turned into chasms. Chasms that cut deep into a layer of hypocrisy, lies and pure gluttonous evil.

Video Killed The Field Radio Star

Dick got his lucky break into the media after appearing in the audience of Gardener’s Question Time on a wintery Sunday in 1994. His innocuous question about trellising Clematis Montana revealed a man whose voice and charisma was tangible, even via radio. The story goes (as yet unconfirmed) that after the broadcast, GQT producer Simon Seys spoke to Dick and saw in him that rare raw talent, that seed of stardom.

At this point in Dick’s life fate plays an interesting twist. The aforementioned producer was working on a new TV show and needed contestants who looked good on camera but also had mechanical and organizational skills. He was invited at once and eagerly agreed. Dick put together a team of his old army buddies with the intention of dominating the first series of Robot Wars. Sadly their entry, Sludgehammer, failed to qualify, after what Dick described as “catastrophic battery issues.” The Sludgehammer team was not going to give up and soon found bigger gear to chew….

Investigating The Strawbridges Part Four: “Scrap Heap Challenger Disaster” will be published shortly.

Investigating The Strawbridges Part Two: Getting to Grips With Dick.

The Early Years

Dick was born in Lamorna Cove in 1950. The son of a Cletus, a fisherman, and Cornwall’s most famous harpsichord player, Demi Strawbridge. Unusually for the time and the area, the Strawbridge family were not Methodist but practicing Cthonic Pagans.

Much of Dick’s early childhood is unremarkable. He went to the local grammar school where he excelled in humanities and the arts. He played rugby for Newlyn Boys and, with his mother’s tuition, became an accomplished harpsichordist in his own right – an ability he retains to this day.

Where Sea Eagles Dare

Yet there are morsels of compelling evidence that imply that as a lad, Dick Strawbridge was not as ‘green’ as he is today. His closest childhood friend told me, after some persuasion, that Dick used to singlehandedly - and without rope - scale the cliffs between Lamorna and Mousehole “egging” – an act that even then was highly illegal. The most prized eggs were those of the albatrosses that were abundant in the area until the early 1960s.

When Dick would find an egg he would hurl it down onto the rocks below, with the victory shout, “fly birdy! Fly!” echoing above the waves. Was Dick responsible for the loss of these birds from mainland Britain? We will never know…but I suspect the timing is no coincidence.

In the next section we will follow Dick’s career in the armed forces and his later trek into TV and Radio fame: Investigating The Strawbridges Part Three: “Brothers In Arms, or Devil In Disguise?” will be published shortly.

Parking in St Austell

I don't know if the residents of St. Austell are aware of the information I am about to reveal. St. Austell does not have a traffic warden!

Do you remember years ago there was an old traffic warden that would slap a fine on his own mother, he ruled with an iron fist, he took no prisoners, 'Hitler' I used to call him.

Anyway, he retired so the council got another one. You know the guy, he would regularly be stood in a doorway having a fag. Well, he was useless. I have been told by some of the taxi drivers in town that when the public parked their private cars on 'OUR' taxi rank, he wouldn’t ticket anyone because, wait for it…. 'he had to live in the town and didn't want any trouble'. Great!

Well anyway, he got sacked (or quit) back in December and the Council have not found a replacement, and I have been reliably informed that they won't until the town is complete in mid march 2074 (the recently revised completion date).

Don't celebrate just yet; The police can still ticket you, not the community support officers, they can't do anything, actually, if anyone knows of anything they can do I would be interested to know what.

So as I was saying, the police can still ticket you, I’ve heard that the double yellow lines outside Pearce’s butchers on Carlyon Road is a hot spot of parking ticket activity. So make sure you don't park on the double yellows outside the butchers at noon when the rookie cop gets sent on the daily pasty run. You are sure to get a ticket if you inconvenience our local pasty munching police officers.

The message is simple:

You can park anywhere you want in St. Austell and nobody will do anything. Don’t buy parking tickets and stop wherever you like. You can park on 'MY' Taxi rank and then tell me to "get lost" when I politely ask you to move. After all, the Taxi rank is my office and I’m sure if I was to come and sit on your desk you would all be fine with that. They say, ‘I’ll only be five minutes, stop moaning’. The next person who parks on ‘MY’ rank is going to be followed to their home/place of work and I’m going to stand and stare at them for 5 minutes, butt naked! You have been warned!

I'm sure if we all cause a bit of chaos then our clever local councilors might do something about our lawless community.

One more thing, this is good. I watched I young kid (18ish) gobbing off at a Police officer outside the local meat market (puls8) at closing time one evening. The lad was shouting all sorts of abuse at the officer and eventually, after some encouragement from his ‘friends’ threw a punch at one of our poor piglets. Banged up in Newquay for the night I hear you say. No, they gave him a free ride to Penwithick. Well done lads, ‘that’ll teach him’.

Author: Bardo McLardo

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